Part Twenty-Four
Haldir spent so much time pretending to have fun speaking to Arwen at the banquet that
half-way through dinner, he realized that he was, indeed, having fun. It still hurt to see
Legolas sitting there on the other side of her, staring down at his dinner plate without
eating or drinking. Was he still ill? Should he not be in bed resting instead of being forced
to sit here all night? Haldir did not let his worry for the prince show.
He let that worry meet his anger. Anger that Legolas did not even try to speak to him --
nor did Rúmil. Haldir had glanced over at Legolas many times, but not once did Legolas
look his way. Of course, Legolas might not have realized that Haldir was trying to catch
his eye -- he happened to be sitting directly in Haldir's line of vision, after all. Still… he
had resolved not to speak to Legolas first. After all, he was the wronged party. He
deserved an apology, did he not?
And if it were all an accident caused by an improperly ingested herb?
The vision of Rúmil and Legolas entwined came violently to Haldir's mind. He closed his
eyes for a moment, causing Arwen to reach out and touch his fingers gently. She was a
good friend. It was too bad that he could not bring himself to feel like this about her, this
way he felt about Legolas that threatened to consume him. Of course, if he did, he would
probably only end up catching her in Rúmil's embrace as well.
All of Haldir's illusions that he was enjoying himself ground to a halt as Legolas and
Arwen were called forward to sing. Legolas looked like he would rather throw himself out
of the tree, but he obediently got up. When Elrond called out that Arwen should sing
instead, Haldir felt a surge of fondness for him. He knew that the Lord of Imladris was
trying to spare the prince some pain.
When the song began, Haldir's gaze went at once to Galadriel. Celeborn's request was out
of line. The Lady of Light hid her thoughts, however. Amroth seemed amused, so Haldir
let his attention be fully absorbed by the song. Even while clearly not at his best, Legolas
was gifted with song. Arwen was as well, but Haldir had heard her sing many more times
than Legolas and her voice was more a familiar comfort than a new thrill.
His heart was moved by the pure clarity of Legolas' voice. He wanted to run to Legolas,
to take him in his arms, to kiss him, reclaim his mouth, to tell him all was forgiven. It
mattered not about Rúmil. Nothing mattered but they be together for what few stolen moments
they might take.
The song ended and Legolas came back to the table. As he passed Haldir, their eyes met
briefly. Utter blankness lay in the depths of Legolas' sky blue eyes. There was no emotion,
no sign of anything -- love, anger, desire or loathing. He did not hold the Marchwarden's
gaze long, resuming his seat and wanly accepting the congratulations of his father on his
performance of the ballad.
It was a relief when Galadriel called for dancing. Haldir swept Arwen up into his arms and
took her out onto the floor. Dancing with her was even better than chatting with her. This
way his attention was drawn away from Legolas completely. Well. Almost completely.
Haldir looked deeply into Arwen's dark blue eyes. She was undeniably beautiful, and she
did stir him. Would it really be so terrible to wake up next to her every day?
What would Elrond think if he asked for Arwen's hand in marriage? Would he give it? Or
would he hold back, because he and Haldir had been lovers? What if Haldir spoke to
Galadriel first? Would she find him a suitable mate for her granddaughter? Where would
they live -- in Lothlórien or Imladris? Perhaps he should give this some serious thought.
He did not tell Arwen what he was thinking, and before he realized what he was saying,
his brother's name had fallen from his tongue. He had meant to tease, while trying to get
her to reveal what she really felt about Rúmil. The whole business of her being in love
with him rang false to Haldir… or perhaps it was wishful thinking. He wanted Arwen's
attention on him tonight. He wanted to show Legolas that there were others who did value
him, even if the prince did not.
Arwen became irritated with him and retreated into a dance with Amroth. Haldir sighed
and went back to the table. He could not stand any more of this. He sat down in the seat
next to Legolas, where Arwen had been sitting all night. He had to do something, say
something.
"Legolas," he said, his voice little more than a whisper. Legolas did not turn his head
towards Haldir.
"Please," he said in a voice even softer than Haldir's, "I do not wish to speak of it right
now. Not here. There are too many present."
Haldir looked over at Thranduil, but he was apparently telling Galadriel a long story, very
loudly, waving a bottle of wine around as he spoke. Galadriel caught Haldir's eye and
smiled briefly at him then went back to feigning polite interest in the King of Mirkwood.
Orophin was talking to Fereveldir, and Rúmil was leaning closer to Celeborn than Haldir
cared to see him do.
"We could go somewhere private," he suggested to Legolas, but Legolas shook his head.
"No."
"Why not?"
"I am ill, Haldir. I do not feel up to hearing what cold and cruel accusations you will
undoubtedly throw at me."
Haldir was shaken by Legolas' fearful words, but he was also angered. He wanted to
assure him that he would listen patiently, that he would be understanding, forgiving, but he
was far too furious. He fought to reign in all of his emotions.
"Do you think I will accuse of you of acts you have not committed?" he asked in a
hard-won even tone.
"I think that no matter what I say, you will not believe me."
"That is not fair, Legolas."
"No," Legolas agreed. "It is not." Legolas turned his head at last and looked at Haldir.
"You have already judged me."
"Why think you that?"
"Do you have any idea how ill I was today?" Legolas demanded.
Haldir was slightly taken aback. "I have an idea of the effects of an improperly imbibed
herb."
"I was unconscious for six hours. Who sat by my side? Arwen. Not you. I woke up to her
shrewish tongue and glaring eyes."
"Do not speak ill of Arwen!"
"How quickly you come to her defense, but not to mine." Legolas sighed. "When first I
awoke, all I could think was that I must find you, that I must explain to you what had
happened. But you were nowhere to be found."
"I went to see to my patrol," Haldir said sheepishly.
"This was not your patrol day," Legolas said icily.
"Duty occasionally calls me at other times than on my patrol day, Legolas," Haldir said
defensively, even though he knew that the prince was right.
"Yes, Fereveldir told me all about your call to duty," Legolas replied.
"Why are you so accusatorial, when I am the one who was hurt by this?" Haldir hissed.
Fereveldir was going to get six days extra march for this.
"You do not understand, do you, Haldir?" Legolas said bitterly. "I would never have hurt
you."
"Ah, but you already have." Haldir stood up. He did not need this. The best thing to do
was to walk away before the argument grew any louder and Thranduil questioned what
was going on. Legolas stood up as well, apparently not finished speaking.
"Think you I was not hurt? I needed you today when I was ill, and you left me in anger,
without questioning that what you saw might not have been what it seemed. I suffered
much this day."
"Perhaps you deserved it," Haldir said harshly.
Legolas looked wounded. Haldir immediately felt badly, but the words had been spoken
and could not be retracted.
"I thought you had changed, but you have not, have you?" Legolas said. "You are just as
cold and cruel as you were a hundred years ago."
"You broke my heart today," Haldir whispered.
"How could I? You have none," Legolas said venomously.
Haldir turned and left the banquet hall. He did not speak to anyone as he went. He needed
some fresh air. He could not stand there looking at Legolas any longer. It hurt too much.
He kept his expression stiff, but part of him wanted to go back to his talan, throw himself
on the bed, and sob into his pillow like an elfling.
But he did not wish to go back to his talan. His bed would only be empty, a reminder of
both last night spent in bliss with Legolas, and this morning when Legolas had lain there
with Rúmil. Almost no one was out here, so he stayed standing at the foot of the tree.
Everyone was still in the banquet hall, but he knew they would leave soon.
When he heard a familiar step, he hid himself in the shadows. Rúmil had left the party
alone? That was unusual for him. Perhaps he had planned some sort of assignation. Could
it be with Legolas? Should he follow his brother to find out? No. No, absolutely not. He
could not bear it. He would only lose control if his worst fear was confirmed.
Haldir slipped around to the back of the tree and leaned against it, closing his eyes. He
was losing control already. He wanted to run back up the stairs, to beg Legolas to forgive
him, but it was too late, wasn't it? How was he going to stand the journey to look for
Nimrodel with him? He needed to pull himself together, to freeze himself, to be, as
Legolas had said he was, without a heart.
A cool hand on his shoulder startled him, but he did not flinch. Haldir opened his eyes as
saw Galadriel standing before him. She smiled slightly, and he felt immediately soothed.
Behind her stood Elrond, Amroth, and Orophin. Galadriel was holding a silver pitcher.
Haldir felt a sense of embarrassment as he realized he was standing at the entrance to her
private glade, where she kept her mirror. He recalled the last time he had come into the
glade, concerned when he had heard her scream. He knew that seeing through the mirror
exhausted her at times, a fact which she tried to keep hidden. He had forgotten until now
the words she had spoken to him then.
“Those who do seek your heart will bring you both great joy and great sorrow.”
She had been correct, he thought now.
"My lady--" he began but she silenced him with a nod.
"I am glad you are here, Haldir. Come."
She took Haldir's arm, then led the way down the stairs into the glade. The others
followed behind them. Haldir did not dare ask why she was bringing them there, but he
could guess. She let go of him to approach the basin that formed the mirror. Elrond
stepped eagerly towards it and with only a moment's hesitation, Amroth moved to stand to
the left of him. Orophin followed Amroth, standing to his left, so Haldir stepped forward
to take a place on the other side of Elrond.
"Together we will search the mirror for a sign to that will set your feet on the path to find
Nimrodel," Galadriel said sonorously.
"Should-- should not Lord Thranduil be with us as well?" Orophin asked. He glanced
nervously at Haldir, and Haldir knew his brother dared not add "And Legolas and Rúmil?"
"Those who will be most affected by the discovery of the truth are those who are here
now," Galadriel said gently.
Haldir wondered why he had been invited. He knew why Elrond and Amroth were
concerned, and he supposed Orophin would be devastated if they really did find Nimrodel
and she and Amroth departed these lands. Of course, Amroth meant to leave without her
if she were found to be dead, so either way, Oro would suffer. For a moment Haldir forgot
his own pain out of concern for his brother.
"Now," Galadriel said, lifting her pitcher, "Clear your minds. Open your hearts. Think of
nothing…"
She poured the water into the basin. Haldir took a step forward without realizing he was
going to do so. The water in the basin swirled for a moment, then fell still. It stopped
moving utterly, as if it had frozen. Haldir felt his breath sucked out of his lungs as he
watched the pictures began to form in the water.
First he saw the stream which bore the name Nimrodel. Elrond had given it that name, in
her honor. It was not far from Lórien and Haldir had been there many times, despite how
close it lay to the Mines of Moria, in the heart of orc country. It was beautiful, clear and
cool, and he felt a sense of peace looking at it. He saw himself by the water's edge, with
Legolas beside him. They did not appear to have been shouting at each other. In fact, the
two of them looked very happy.
Haldir watched himself turn and kiss Legolas. The Prince of Mirkwood put his arms
around him, holding him tightly, kissing him back. Could the others see this too? Haldir
glanced anxiously at Elrond, and although he was absorbed in the mirror, his face bore no
betrayal of his thoughts.
When he looked back into the water, the picture had changed. Orcs swarmed across the
surface, a vast hoard of them. Alarm shot through his blood and Haldir automatically
reached for his sword, which he had not worn to the banquet. It was just as well, he might
have accidentally chopped Elrond in half.
Again and again the images changed. He saw Thranduil enraged. The King of Mirkwood
charged forward with his sword drawn. He saw Legolas wracked with sorrow, and the
sight near broke his heart. He saw his brothers clinging to each other, not bothering to
hide their tears. Had something happened to him?
The picture faded and the water rippled slightly. A song suddenly filled the air. It was no
tune Haldir had ever heard before, but it seemed to be a woman's voice. He looked around
at the others again, and saw that they too were looking at each other with amazement.
"It is her," Elrond whispered weakly. "That is the voice of Nimrodel!"
Haldir looked to Amroth for confirmation, and he nodded. Elrond had tears in his eyes,
but Amroth's face was as stony as the statue of his beloved in Elrond's garden.
"Where is it coming from?" Orophin cried.
Galadriel waved her hand gracefully over the mirror and gradually the singing faded away.
Elrond seized her wrist.
"No! Do not make it stop!"
"I did not stop it, Lord Elrond," Galadriel said formally, her eyes dropped to his hand. He
let go of her, looking ashamed. "Tell me, what did you see in the mirror?"
Haldir thought it an odd question, as surely she already knew what each of them had
seen… but then he realized she spoke so that they would tell each other what visions they
had experienced.
"I saw that she lives," Elrond whispered.
"I saw that she is dead," Amroth countered. They looked at each other for a long moment,
and Haldir wondered how they could have conflicting visions.
"I saw that we will be attacked by orcs on this journey," he said frankly. He did not wish
to speak about the rest, or attempt to interpret it.
"I could not see anything," Orophin said shamefully. Galadriel set down her pitcher and
went to take Oro's hands in her own.
"Do not fear the future," she told him simply, looking into his eyes. Orophin nodded. She
let go of his hands and addressed the assembled company. "It is late, and I wish to seek
my bed. Will one of you find Lord Celeborn for me?"
"I am already here, my lady," Celeborn said coolly. He stood at the entrance to the glade.
Haldir knew he was irritated that he had not been invited to this gathering. Galadriel
smiled at him but Celeborn did not return her smile. She stepped forward and he offered
her his hand, which she took as they departed. Elrond followed.
"Good night, my friend," Amroth said to Orophin. "I will see you in the morning."
Amroth departed as well, leaving Oro staring wistfully after him. Haldir moved forward to
take his brother by the elbow. "Come, let us go home."
"I wish--" Oro began miserably.
"I know," Haldir cut him off. "You and I will both be lonely again tonight, brother."
Together they walked in silence back towards their tree.
"I hope Rúmil has fared better than we have," Orophin said, but then he glanced anxiously
at Haldir. "I mean…that is, I don't mean…"
"With Legolas? I know you don't mean that, Oro," Haldir sighed as they began the long
walk up the stairs.
"Haldir, you should talk to him."
"Legolas?"
"Well, yes, but I meant Rúmil. He thinks you are going to murder him."
"What makes you think I will not?"
Orophin laughed, but it came out more like a hiccup. "Search your heart, Haldir. You
know Rúmil better than that."
Haldir frowned, but when he looked at Orophin, he knew that Oro was right. "I will speak
to him in the morning and generously offer him my forgiveness," he said with a touch of
irony. A broad grin split Orophin's face.
"Thank you," he said.
They arrived at the doorway to the talan that Oro and Rúmil shared, so Haldir bid him
good-night and continued up to his own room. When he stepped inside, he found Rúmil
sitting on his bed still in his dress clothes. Rúmil's knees were drawn up, his arms wrapped
around them. His face was stained with tears, and his left eye was black, swollen nearly
shut.
"H- Haldir-- !"
